“The madcaps, screwballs, and con women who emerge in the culture industry’s mass-reproduced, mass-marketed, mass-consumed, texts stem from figures from folklore, who were constantly made new and relevant through storytelling. “
~Landay, L. (1998)
Madcaps, screwballs, and con women: The female trickster in American culture.
Before I started this post, I was unsure of what part of it would matter the most because I knew it would set the tone moving forward. One thing I really hate, and yes, that’s the right word; is people who make choices but get upset when those choices have consequences and people judge them for them. I feel this way about all adults even myself. For every choice you make there will always be an alternative choice and thus a reality that you must face once you give the alternative up. And if you don’t make a choice one will ultimately be made for you which sucks for very indecisive people because the world won’t stop for you to sit idle while you hem and haw to make a decision. This is something that will leave you not only feeling defeated but being defeated because fate does not love you. Those who let fate chose are the individuals who blame life on others and who always complain because they don’t like the decision that was ultimately made. We won’t be doing that here today.
If you’re old enough, you know about the movie “Bourne Identity” and the subsequent follow ups. It was a good brand. I remember watching all of the movies from start to finish the thing was I never quite understood the beginning. And that’s what porn identity is all about. It’s not about regret but how people get off on viewing their own identity as a villain they don’t even realize is right in the mirror or even the shadow beside them. You don’t even realize your own reflection is the secret identity or superhero you’ve been trying to find or maybe even hide. It can go either way, so I let them both be intertwined because sometimes the villain is the superhero, we just won’t admit it because it’s not socially or politically polite. I don’t care if you judge but I want to address how that has shaped who I am and how I will approach many things in this blog to come. I am saying I am biased, but my experience is the only experience I can speak from, and truth be told more of you can relate than many of you want but you deny it so I present to you this alluring identity porn.
The other day, I found myself in the room with a bunch of individuals that were being mentored to including myself. There were many accomplished speakers representing companies that we could work for or just giving advice on what to look forward to regarding social media. It made me realize that I had a very obscure identity meaning that in many ways I don’t exist. I don’t have social media at all, but my porn identity does but even that light is very dim and secretive and even blocked off. I’ve worked in the adult industry for years, but I have never boasted about my porn identity it just is who I am, and I don’t find it entertaining at all because it is myself. So, it is hard to come to terms with how those two people are one and that I can’t disconnect them, yet they don’t really connect. I am the same everywhere I go. I do not wear a mask or hide who I am as I do my adult work. I also don’t hide who I am as I present myself to the real world, so my porn identity and my real self are blurred. I didn’t have to try hard to be who I am, and I have to admit I like who I always have been and who it has made me because apparently it makes me appear big and I don’t really try for that.
That last part is very important because people really like to shame women for making choices that both come from lack of power, too much power and in between not knowing how to use it. The dichotomy is great but as the tale unfolds it will all make sense, and you will have gotten to know me without ever making my acquaintance. What a pleasure that is indeed as I often leave an impression that is quite pleasant but an oddity. Just like that. I know who I am and what I can do but I haven’t always known the power of that and how to use it. I have always known it’s power indeed but if you come off too aggressive or active you are put in your place if you’re a woman trust me. I experience this as a black woman so for being both woman and black but overall, this will not be that. Be a little more open minded and flow with me from here.
“People make do with what they have.”
They use impersonation, disguise, theft, and deceit to expose hypocrisy and inequality, to subvert existing social systems, and to widen their sphere of power.
~ Michel de Certeau
Without going too deep both men and women have been bombarded with visual and social ques of what a good man or a good woman is and what that means. This notion of “good” though is only a social que and in reality, it doesn’t really exist because people do one thing behind closed doors and another thing in public and as a sex worker, I know this a lot more intimately than others. I cannot wait to dive into that one though you’ll be surprised at the position I take. Understand that I am a sex worker, but I definitely live a full life and participate in many other things as do many of us but that’s another story. The point is that I will obviously speak from a particular perspective but not all of the posts will be specifically about sex work or adult entertainment. Porn identity is not just about that.
Now, the point of mentioning the event is that nowadays I get a little anxiety because I enter spaces where my work makes people uncomfortable. I have empathy for them because what I do is very taboo, and I do not hide it from them. I am a horrible liar so to make sure I don’t get caught up in the lies I just don’t lie about stuff. It smooths things out because one thing I am going to do is forget what I just told you so to lie would be my kryptonite. Plus, I wear my discomfort on my face so if I am lying my anxiety is showing and I am going to crumble right in front of you. I would have made a terrible lawyer and at some point, I wanted to be that until I thought about how I would have to present myself and how I would likely get disbarred or something. My mouth is terrible, but I am working on me which is why I am blogging my ass off. I have a lot to get off my chest. And while we’re here if my chest were larger I could carry the weight better… so hit that donate button if you see it up there. IJS. I am not doing this for nothing and what I want from this I will share.
I discovered my porn identity at a very early age but I kept her locked up and hidden away because you’re supposed to be a good girl, grow up, get married and have babies. Even the “poor” family has values.
Black women get picked apart from a very early age and not only by outsiders but from inside because there’s a lot of insecurities and self-hatred. The same applies to black men and if you can relate and aren’t black hit the comments and chime in. I say that to say that we get our ideal of self-worth from outside and we can only hope we choose positive influences and things and people to identify with.
When you come to understand how you grew up and what values and lessons you were taught you can better identify later in life if you are your biggest hater, critic and reason for setbacks. How you move in this world is a result of conditioning and sometimes no one has their foot directly on your neck and if you know like I know the mouse that wants the cheese will always find a way to move through even the tiniest of cracks. More on that later..
The porn identity you choose to take on will put you against even yourself and have you thinking you’re not the best person for it. I am here to talk about that. I want to talk about what it means to be one with your whole self regardless to what others think because you have to live with those choices and decisions, and you accept accountability. You love yourself. If you are a man reading this love yourself too because trust me when I get time, I will be talking to you.
Because of what I do a lot of people won’t hear what I say and will criticize it specifically for that. I am here for you. Sex workers are mothers, lovers, daughters, wives, auntie’s, cousins and nieces too and those of us that don’t charge just do it for free which is another topic I am going to have touch on briefly. My point is we are all out here living life so don’t take anything too hard unless you want it nice and slow. But your opinions are your own and I won’t be sh*tting on them.
I want to discuss a lot of topics that might make you a little bit uncomfortable and that is alright because the comments will be open, and we can have some great discourse if your maturity will allow it. Don’t come here to troll because you will get blocked after I embarrass your mother. But all jokes aside, I want to be as transparent as possible and allow my voice to speak to you one, because it’s dope and two because I know it will be insightful. I am not here to glorify the adult industry or porn in general since I don’t quite keep up with porn even though it is a niche within my industry. I probably should but I get bored so quick even with million-dollar budgets and plot lines. I can’t sit still and watch even ten minutes of scripted sex with a weak a** line up and plot line.
Real Reasons To Subscribe To This Site..
- You know who I am and have been very curious about me and my life and why I don’t share more of it.
- You just happen to be in the sex industry and want to know what others like you are thinking when we are not out here performing or tr*cking.
- You are a client and want to know what some of us (specifically me) think about being in the life or how we navigate through it, knowing how society sees us and maybe even you.
- You are not a client but feel inclined to want to know what sex work must be like and what we go through.
- You are possibly a troll, or a very insecure person and you want to know how you can possibly push my buttons. Subscribe… and I’ll show you!
Whatever your reason for stumbling across this site, I want to let you know I created it so I could share my porn identity without being banned on other platforms because that happens a lot. I want to have the freedom to talk about sex, sex work and how I use my porn identity to navigate my thoughts and this world. It’s not all good and it’s certainly not all bad and if I am who I say I am I do hope to get other women and men who choose to live an alternative lifestyle to share their stories and their porn identity as well. It is not just women who live this life and experience it so intimately and have weird vices.
This is our lives. Whether you approve or not is just something we have to deal with, but I am very done hiding. I always feel the desire to share but when you are on someone else’s platform you have to be very careful if you want to stay there. But I live my life out loud, and I don’t want to have to quiet down. I want to thank this random person named Liesa who helped me see that I could share this just probably not on open platforms. And you too Judy because if I do well, I won’t need them, that’s what you said.
It was a very short meeting, but it was very pleasant to see how I am seen from the eyes of another who doesn’t know me. It was super intriguing and I feel like my porn identity is watching from above.
Next Steps in My Porn Identity Evolution:
If you wonder what more is to come, I want to say that there will definitely be some vlogs and some podcasts that will be self-hosted here because few other places will have them.
- I want to let y’all tap into the magic that is sex work and the freedom and cuffs that come with it because it’s a lot.
- Clean up my social media so I don’t seem like the troll I have ultimately become because I can be so cruel and petty. So don’t come here with the bull because I have several years of experience of making sure you don’t want none! lol! Peace, light and love.
- Show who I am because I don’t show that enough and baby, I love myself and I am more than enough.
- Last but not least, coming out of the closet with my porn identity so we can get off on some identity porn.
Women should be treated as roses, not because of their delicate ways, but when you play with a woman’s heart, prepare to be stuck by the thorns.
-Anonymous
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